An odd way to be caught watching porn…

So I was watching some porn on my phone to help me out a little bit. I guess I forgot to close the browser because I got in my car, turned on the ignition, and heard these sex noises at an uncomfortably high volume. You see, the audio on my phone is synced to my media player in the car. LOL. So, never judge a guy if (for some strangely coincidental reason) that happens when you buckle up to go out for dinner. I mean, clearly it could happen to you.

Dammit, I broke my vibrator.

I was having a seriously horny day (you know what I’m talking about) and was in intense need of multiple, earth shattering orgasms before the kids came rushing home from school. So, I reach for my oddly over-sized magic wand (no, that’s not a made-up name). After the first home run, I was ready for another inning, I mean I was just getting warmed up (why am I using a sports analogy…). As I applied more pressure, I started to hear the god-awful sounds of an electric gadget failing to work. Ughhh, piece of shit! Seriously, I busted an industrial-sized power tool!?!? Who does that? Me.

A lot of us should just admit that we’re one socioeconomic class up from having battered-woman syndrome.

A women is NOT getting it IF:

(a) She’s wearing ill-fitting jeans, capris with sneakers, or has her hair in a half pony-tail. (b) She only talks about her kids, her kids, and her kids some more. (c) She approaches some hot chicks at a restaurant working on a “Fucked-Up Sex” blog and warns them that half the restaurant, including the non-existent kids (and customers for that matter), can see what’s being written. 

Why is it that men are gung-ho for a threesome until you agree to one?

Wondering what that hot guy’s O-face looks like?

Next time you’re at the gym, looking at that hottie lifting his 200, just know that’s it.